daynabhattiroberts.blog

there are tiny people in my head telling me all sorts of things 

like it’ll rain soon. no, not today, soon. 

like summer is already over. it was over when it began because you are getting older.

i knew that, i yell at them for no good reason

i’m so angry lately  

i knew that when my dreams turned into begging and my hopes passed me by and soon i was old enough to drive

drive down to the beach where i don’t swim nearly as much as i should 

though i swim more than nearly anyone does 

it’s all headaches. these little people telling me all i must, should, could do 

they’ve built a home in my cranium 

or they’re building a home and that’s why they have much to say about the structure of my skull 

the people outside my head, too, are yelling

and so am i 

god, my head hurts 

when did we all get so angry? when did going to the beach turn into a war zone? when did you stop holding me between your palms, swinging me around your hip 

when did i stop being small enough for you to cradle 

no, it’s not your fault. this is aging this is growing pains this is the worst summer yet

god, i didn’t want to say it. i put all my hopes and dreams and fears and fucking everything into this short season 

these few months 

for all my life. for all my life i’ve held summer as a god as something to be worshipped but

summer cannot cradle me anymore either 

there must be a balance between what you look forward to and what you live in and by

and i must realize that everything i love cannot hold me forever 

i’ve never been a pious girl, anyway 

only these bones only this skin can always have a place for my heart my soul my mind my stomach 

god, my stomach. i’m so fucking hungry all the time 

not for melting popsicles or summer sandwiches or anything really edible i’m just fucking hungry 

that’s what this is. the summer of an unquenchable hunger 

i wake every day with tiny people pounding headaches behind my eyes and snakes writhing deep in the pit of me 

i wrap my arms around myself. i hold my guts in. summer is still summer

it’s just i, just us that’s changing 

i only have one more left, don’t i? 

maybe that’s why it’s all going to shit. it’s the end 

but it’s also the start 

i still love you summer, i hope you know that 

i’ll always love you summer, i know you know that 

don’t forget me when i’m too old to waste away in you 

don’t forget me when my veins turn a deep dark blue 

don’t forget me